Cabin Fever
by Kilrez
Summary: I have no idea what this is. Simon gets even with Jayne, Inara nearly starts an argument, Wash takes some bets, and River dances.


Cabin Fever 

Disclaimer: I disclaim that this basic situation and characters are my original creations. Everyone here knows that they were actually thought up by Sir Whedon and then sold to FUX…. I mean, fox…

Author's Note: this is kind of set after 'Good for Each Other' simply in the place that Mal and Inara are at now. It's not required reading, but you could, you know… just go have a look…maybe leave a review if it suits you…

Summary; I have no idea what this is. Simon gets even with Jayne, Inara nearly starts an argument, Wash takes some bets, and River dances.

Mal stood, facing the crew, in the kitchen. On all faces could be read varying degrees of disappointment, distress and anger. It wasn't directed at him, more at the announcement he had just made. Still, it was not a fun experience. Relaxing his shoulders he fixed on the steady gaze he could feel coming from behind and slightly to the right of him. Like catches of song in the darkness of his mind, he involuntarily began to remember what he had been doing last night whilst looking into those chocolate brown eyes…

Hurriedly squashing that thought, he forced his attention back to the debate that was unfolding before him. Kaylee was looking back and forward between Jayne and Wash as they argued. The captain decided to break it up.

'Look fellas, it can't be helped so there's no use arguin' bout it' he said firmly, attempting to soothe ruffled feathers.

'Sure there is. I say that Wash eats more'n his fair share of the fresh food. 'S why we've run out so early.'

'No, we've run out so early because someone had been using the food crates as targets for knife throwing practise, the air got in, and all the food went rotten.'

'Those holes coulda bin from anything' claimed the mercenary defensivly.

'All right, that'll do. Jayne, next time we hit port, buy yourself a dart board or something' Wash looked smug at this announcement, and Jayne crossed his arms, retreating into a semi-sulk. Mal rolled his eyes and exited the mess area, leaving the others to their own devices. It was always like this a few weeks into a long journey. Arguments started over nothing, and the mere sight of another person grated on raw nerves like sandpaper. Well, the mere sight of most people, added Mal to himself.

Soft, graceful footsteps were following him and he directed his own steps to somewhere where they could talk privately. Sliding open the door to her shuttle, he stood aside with a bow to let her enter first; a gesture that made her smile

Ducking in behind the elegant companion, he slid the door closed and paused a moment to soak in the rich yet tasteful surroundings. Although a man of simple functionality himself, it was nice on occasion to enjoy indulgence.

'I'm surprised you haven't started knocking heads together yet' Inara commented, sinking down on to the couch. Mal followed her lead and sat opposite, purposely keeping a small amount of distance so he wasn't immediately tempted to... 'It's always like this when we've been in deep space for a while.' He replied, 'Remember that trip, I dunno, I think it was about a month back-? Jayne nearly punched his way through the bulkhead.'

Inara just managed to keep a straight face. 'It stopped Simon's boredom, for a while anyway.'

Mal laughed, a smile of fond reminiscing on his face. 'Stopping everyone from killing each other is one of the biggest parts of my job really.'

'I thought that was the getting shot and punching people in the face part'

'You're meant to be on my side here. The last week of this trip is going to be more hellish than usual, now that Jayne's done away with all the good food.'

'You define the _gos se_ that was in those crates as 'good'?'

'Anything's better than straight protein.'

Inara smiled and was about to voice an agreement, but a sound from the cargo bay made them both stop to listen. Identifying the sound, Mal rolled his eyes and heaved himself to his feet, every inch of his stance screaming 'long suffering.' Inara also rose, gracefully following Mal as they both crossed to the door of the shuttle, to see exactly who was making the commotion.

Inara finished shutting the door behind them and turned around, pausing upon seeing the scene on the floor of the cargo bay. Mal was already watching, his arms crossed over his chest and his expression grim. This time it was Simon that Jayne had pissed off, and the doctor seemed swollen up to almost twice his normal size as he yelled at the mercenary. River stood to one side, staring blankly at the floor at her feet. Her face was emotionless now, but it looked like she had been crying shortly before.

'You're an oaf, you hear me?!' Jayne had been doing weights, but now he was standing nose to nose with Simon, just as angry at the smaller man. It seemed ludicrous that the doctor would even dare to think about screaming at the mercenary, but Simon was nothing if not inappropriately brave and completely without common sense. Especially when it had something to do with his little sister.

'It ain't my fault! She got in the way.'

'That's because you're a lumbering idiot and you don't look where you're going.'

'Shut your trap doc, else I'll show you what happens when I actually mean to hurt someone.'

Jayne was getting more physically threatening, and Mal decided to step in before his medic got hurt. 'Jayne!' he yelled down, striding forwards. Jayne jumped slightly and looked up as the captain headed for the stairs. Inara waited a beat, then followed the captain, going down to see if River was OK.

The look on the mercenary's face had changed from anger at the doc to annoyance at being bawled out by Mal, twice in one day. The captain clomped down the stairs, coming to stop in front of both of the men, who were now both facing him. Simon had a look of grim smugness on his face, at once wanting to go and check if his silent sister was ok, and wanting to watch Mal yell at Jayne.

Mal surveyed them both, clenching and unclenching his jaw. Inara was murmuring softly to River, trying to get the girl to look at her.

'You two…' started the captain. Simon stopped looking so self assured, sensing that he was going to get some of the blame here. There was the soft clomping of feet in combat boots attempting to be quiet above them, and then Kaylee, Zoe, Book and Wash's heads could be seen poking over the railing. Mal knew they were there, but didn't look up as he dredged up the inspiration for a really good yelling.

'Jayne, you've caused five fights on this flight already. And Simon, what the hell's your sister doing down here in Jayne's way anyway?'

Protests of 'but captain-' and 'he started it' came from both men. Mal narrowed his eyes dangerously and they both stopped. He allowed a long moment's pause, to make them both squirm. The captain didn't frequently punish his crew for behavioural infringements, but they had all been pushing him the past few days, and it was likely that this would be the last straw.

An idea occurring to him, Mal allowed his disposition to change, from a simmering rage, into just craftily angry. It made both Simon and Jayne more nervous. Once more, he could feel Inara watching him carefully, probably wondering what he was doing.

'You know, back on earth-that-was, they used to make long voyages by sea. In these tiny ships- about half the size of _Serenity's_ cargo bay. And fights would break out all the time. Do you know what the punishment was when it really started to get on the captain's nerves?'

Both men shook their heads, not meeting his eyes. It was almost comical the way that Mal could reduce full grown men to nervous and sullen boys. River, on the other hand, was just beginning to recover. She looked at him, an enigmatic smile on her face. 'Run them between the devil and the deep blue sea,' she murmured.

'They'd keel-haul them.' Clarified the captain, for those that weren't familiar with old sailor speak. There was a stunned silence so strong it actually removed all other sounds from the cargo bay. Then there was a loud outburst from everyone but River and Mal himself.

'Mal, no!'

'We'll die, you can't'

'Their blood will boil out their ears!'

'How can you do that?'

'You can't just murder them!'

Mal stood calmly, his arms crossed over his chest until the noise abated. 'Relax everyone. I'll explain it as we go along. You two go and get suited up.'

Jayne was glared at him suspiciously as he stomped past, the colour having come back into his face after he realised that the captain wasn't going to kill him. Simon still looked pretty pale. They all knew that the doc had a fear of space.

They could be heard bickering softly as they began to prep the spacesuits and Mal sighed, a 'they never learn' look on his face. He walked over to stand next to River (who was now smiling calmly), and Inara (who was staring at him incredulously). The four that had been watching from above came at different speeds down the stairs, Zoe and Book wordlessly going over to help with the suits. Kaylee and Wash both looked torn between the two parties.

Ignoring Kaylee, Mal called the pilot over, and Kaylee trailed along with him to see what the captain was going to say. Walking out to meet him in the middle of the cargo bay floor, Mal stared pointedly at Kaylee until she poked her tongue out with a pout and went to stand with Inara and River so he could talk privately to Wash.

''Sup cap'n?' asked Wash trying to act like nothing was going on, and at the same time dead curious as to what the captain was up to. 'I want you to head on up to the bridge and bring us to a halt until all this is over. Don't want any asteroids bouncing off us or anything.'

Wash pulled off a daggy salute and turned to head up the stairs. Zoe paused in helping Simon to watch him go then shot a questioning glance at the captain. He smiled mysteriously at his first mate, enjoying himself immensely.

Wandering over to the three other women, he couldn't stop his grin getting wider as Kaylee and Inara stopped talking to stare accusingly at him. In contrast to them, River's smile almost matched his own.

'What?' he asked defensively, the effect spoiled by the grin.

'What are you playing at Mal?' asked Inara, his smugness annoying her.

'I've heard that the only cure for cabin fever is to go outside.' Inara took this with a doubtful expression. Considering River for a moment he added; 'you can have a go afterwards if you want.'

She clapped her hands excitedly, leaned forwards to kiss him on the cheek, and then skipped off to criticise the design of the suits.

'You sure that's a good idea captain?' frowned Kaylee doubtfully.

'Sure. Why not? Simon told us all about how happy she was last time she went outside.'

'The last time she went outside was when Jubel Early tried to kidnap her.' Inara's tone was pointed.

'OK, so I was talking about the time before that. But she liked it that time too.'

'As long as you're sure they'll all be safe, then I reckon it's a great idea cap'n' Kaylee gave him her vote of confidence cheerfully. Inara still looked doubtful. She didn't like it when he acted on impulse. Well, most of the time she didn't like it… Occasionally she would admit to herself that it was one of the things that drove her crazy about him.

Soon, despite the small adjustments both of them continued to make in an effort to procrastinate, both Simon and Jayne were suited up. Trailing women, Mal strode over to explain the rules to the two would-be combatants.

'You're both going to do one lap of the ship. Nothing fancy, you'll both be cabled on. Kaylee's done it before when something needed fixing so bad we weren't going to make it into atmo.'

Simon was fidgeting uncomfortably with his suit, and Mal stared at him until he stopped before continuing.

'Thing is, there's only one tie-on rail around the ship, and you two are going in different directions. One of you is going to have to unhook whilst you swap the lines around each other.'

This caused an immediate glance between the two men. It contained equal parts of wheedling hope and threat from both of them.

'Do we really have to do this Mal?' asked Jayne, his tone bordering upon a whine.

'Sure do. And for asking that, you get to do it without coms. Out you go'

Jayne glared at him as much as he dared as he put the helmet on. Simon just looked pale and shaky. Sympathetically, Kaylee helped him to do up the helmet. Pretty much everyone was feeling for the two space walkers, but everyone valued their skin too much to risk it for their sakes with the mood the captain was in. Mal was smiling, but it was pretty clear that that smile was one serious protest from becoming an angry scowl.

Looking like men trudging out towards the electric chair, Jayne and Simon went to stand in the air lock, which was still, at this point, closed to space and open to the cargo bay. There were the ends of four rails here; they dissected the outside of the ship in various ways. Simon and Jayne were hooked on to one each, then everyone stepped back and Mal closed the door on them. They could be seen through the window, at first standing clumsy and heavy, then gently lifting into the air as _Serenity's _gravity released them before the ramp to space was opened.

Jayne took this removal of the ground with grace but Simon flailed in panic for a few moments. Kaylee, whose nose was practically glued to the glass, suppressed a giggle at the doctor's antics. Everyone else was equally interested, and crowded around to look over Kaylee's shoulder. Mal stood a little way back, still at the door controls. Inara too stood back, showing her disapproval by pretending not to be interested.

The ramp slowly opened, revealing the star spattered black beyond. Jayne turned and began to make his way out, seemingly not bothered, although it was hard to see his expression through the reflections on the face plate of the helmet. It was clear that Simon was having a little more trouble though. He firmly seized the rail in both hands, and, keeping his face turned toward the wall, hand over hand, he began to pull himself out of the airlock. Jayne had been moving fluidly and quickly, so they would probably meet closer to the start of Simon's end than Jayne's.

Once they were both out of sight, everyone pulled away from the window, and stood around not quite sure what to do. Mal had his hands crossed over his chest and was looking smug, and Inara looked on the verge of starting an argument with him. Wash returned from the bridge and began taking bets. Finally, Kaylee, who had been keeping an eye on the window, yelled eagerly that they were back.

Looking out at them, it could be instantly discerned that something wasn't right. The two suits had been tied together, so one of them was towing the other by their safety lead. Initially the spectators in the cargo bay thought that Simon had perhaps fainted and Jayne was dragging him home, but it became apparent that it was actually Simon doing the dragging.

Kaylee couldn't pressurise the airlock fast enough, and the two landed on the floor in an ungainly heap when gravity abruptly took hold of them again. When the door into the airlock was opened, everyone flooded in, eager to find out what had happened. A triumphantly grinning Simon and a grumpy Jayne were helped to their feet and out of their suits.

Jayne seemed sullen and disinclined to communicate so Kaylee decided that Simon would get the grilling. The rest of the crew let her go at it, secretly just as curious as the little mechanic.

'That was exhilarating!' exclaimed Simon, grinning as the helmet came off. 'Hmpf' grunted Jayne, already mostly out of his suit. Simon gave up on doing it by himself and allowed Kaylee to help him.

'What happened out there?' asked the little mechanic, catching Simon's infective grin.

'What happened was the rutting doctor-'

'Jayne' warned the captain as the mercenary's tone began to get more aggressive. Jayne glanced at Mal, then at Simon with his fan club then tossed down the helmet and stormed up to his bunk.

'I don't think any amount of space walking is going to make him any happier' snorted Wash.

'Simon…' whined Kaylee, practically hopping from foot to foot. The crew's attention shifted back to the doctor and Jayne's little temper tantrum was forgotten. Simon shrugged humbly, but he was still grinning like a maniac.

'We met in the middle of the rail and he got a bit insistent that I should be the one to take my tether off. So I corrected him.'

Kaylee laughed in delight at the story, and even the captain couldn't help a small smile. Simon was out of the suit now and pulled on a jumper that had been thrown over the door of the suit locker. He was quietly sharing the details of his exploit with Kaylee, but now River was hopping up and down for the captain's attention. Smiling, he turned to her and started to help getting the girl suited up.

_Serenity_ floated in the black as, using the small steering jets on the suit, River spiralled out of the airlock, and began to dance. Inside, Wash called in on the bets.

The End


End file.
